April 15th, 2002


The Spam Sketch

from The Final Rip Off

Mr. Bun: Morning.

Waitress: Morning.

Mr. Bun: Well, what you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg,
bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam,
sausage, spam, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; (Vikings start
singing in background) spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam.

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, lovely spam, lovely spam.

Waitress: (cont) or lobster thermador ecrovets with a bournaise sause, served in the purple salm Mr. Bunor
with chalots and overshies, garnished with truffle pate, brandy, a fried egg on top and spam.

Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam, egg, sausage and spam. That's not got much spam in it.

Mrs. Bun: I don't want any spam!

Mr. Bun: Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?

Mrs. Bun: That's got spam in it.

Mr. Bun: It hasn't got as much spam in it as spam, egg, sausage and spam has it?

Mrs. Bun: (over Vikings starting again) Could you do me egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam

Waitress: Ech!

Mrs. Bun: What do you mean ech! I don't like spam!

Vikings: Lovely spam, wonderful spam....etc

Waitress: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Bloody vikings. You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the

Mrs. Bun: I don't like spam!

Mr. Bun: Shh dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam. (starts Vikings off again)

Vikings: Lovely spam, wonderful spam...etc

Waitress: Shut up! Baked beans are off.

Mr. Bun: Well, can I have her spam instead of the baked beans?

Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, and spam?

Vikings: Lovely spam, wonderful spam...etc...spam, spam, spam! (in harmony)
  • Current Music
    The Spam Sketch

I hate Spam!!!

Ok, now normally I don't much care about random folks enough to hate them, but this morning I really wish I could find the dipshit who sent me a malformed email which is causing my mail server to dry-heave.


Seriously, if I had that person here (and assuming they spoke a language I could bitch them out in) I'd like to rip them a few new orifices. It's one thing to send me a few dozen emails a day telling me about the wonders of free but not-quite-free porn, teens on teens, penis enlargements, how to have sex with gorgeous women, how to get drugs over the internet, is my fish spying on me, is my spouse having an affair with my cat, finding my long lost family, how to extort money from them, how to beat drug tests, how to give lie-detector tests, where to hide ill-gotten wealth, how to find someone's ill-gotten wealth, at-home learn to be a detective courses, get a college degree over the phone in 10 minutes, is there a government conspiracy, did the aliens create the government conspiracy, and how to hide from the government conspiracy... it's entirely different to fuck up my mail server.

Really, I wish I could take these people, tie them down in a schoolyard and tell the little bully-thug grade schoolers that they can each get $10.00 if they torture these people. Can you imagine what your average mal-adjusted physically abused grad school kid will do to someone for $10.00 (that was supposed to be grade school... but now I gotta wonder what a slave, errr grad student would do for $10.00 ;)? I remember grade school . I remember how fucking evil these kids could be just to get some poor sod's lunch money or to steal the $1.00 toy that some moron brought to school with him. To hell with the Geneva convention, these kids would mutilate the spammers and it would cost me all of like $50.. I want the spammers to suffer, not because they've caused me great pain and suffering, nah, that's cliche'd. I want them to suffer because they think they are quite clever to be preying on stupid people and yet, they can't figure out how to use the idiot-proof spamming tools that are now widely available. I'm sorry, but once stupid people start taking advantage of stupid people and inconveniencing me along the way, that's where I draw the line. Clearly, survival of the fittest isn't working fast enough.

I know what we need, we need a remote strangulation protocol so that if someone on the other side of the computer starts acting like a complete and utter buffoon, I can hit ctrl-alt-esc and their computer will proceed to strangle the life out of them. Or, ok, fine maybe that's a bit too much, how about just a remote slap protocol? Just something so I can smack someone when they do something really stupid. It doesn't have to do them harm, just a good solid slap when someone spams me. If you are a mass spammer you must sit in front of your PC while it sends email and if people find it offensive, annoying, or just plain stupid, then they can RSP you and you have to sit there and take it. Or maybe when the spammer checks his/her email as they download and check messages, they either get saps sending them credit card numbers or slaps loosening their fillings. I'm sure they'd be a lot better at targeting their crap if they had to suffer for the stuff that we didn't like.

Heck with RSP, I'd enjoy getting Spam. Just a quick slap back and delete the message. Fun fun fun.


My mail server is still dry heaving. I'll have to futz with it this afternoon.

  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed


Ok, so I just checked my dad's email acct (which he never uses because he's just not down with those new fangled electronical calculator/computer things :)

Check out this list of Spam Subject lines (all recieved this weekend):

  • Fat? Lost it like that - Stupid? Learn to wrote.
  • Digital Camera Special $59 dollars - Plus $100.00 S&H
  • FURRY NAKED BARNYARD FRIENDS!!!!!!!! - Yikes, just yikes.
  • Mortgage Rates are Dropping-Are you Benefiting? - No, but if you respond to this they will be
  • Get Cash out of your Home! FREE Analysis! - Yeah, their analysis: Set fire to your house, collect the insurance money.
  • 10 Seconds = $50! - Small Print: $50 for them
  • PARTY ALL NIGHT! VIAGRA ONLINE - Wouldn't Viagra be more helpful at home? What is this? E-Viagra?
  • MY NEW EMAIL ADDRESS - Ah right, from my good friend krgjkoems@yawho.con
  • Snoring a Problem in Your House? Stop it Today - For $25.00 they will send you an informative brochure that has the solution. Strangle the person who snores.
  • MAKE HER HAPPY-VIAGRA - Two words, Oral Sex. Much cheaper, better results.
  • Gov Grants Info E-Book - E-No
  • MAKE HER BEG FOR MORE! VIAGRA ONLINE - Clearly aimed at people who don't realize that Viagra will make them good lovers the same way that a sniper rifle will make a blind person a world-class assassin.
  • Lock in a Lower House Payment Now - Change your name and move out of the country. You'll magically have a house payment of $0.00
  • Prescription Weight-Loss and Viagra - Ummmm.... I'm afraid to ask how you pair those two...
  • Re: Payment - Blah, just flat out dishonest....
  • Current Mood
    restless restless