September 21st, 2006

crow

Truth & friendship...

The past few months have been strange. Sometimes difficult, sometimes great. Sometimes indescribable. I've lost some friends along the way and rediscovered a few as well.

Today, someone who was once becoming a very good friend officially defriended me ("Oh noes! LJ Drama!") because I wouldn't... because I couldn't tell them that their lies were ok. I don't think I've ever been forced into this situation before. One were it's not a question of hearsay or rumors and gossip and standing by a friend, one where the friend in question has changed history to suit their purposes and I know that they've done it without question. I've gone back to past conversations (ah the joys of logs) and seen very clearly that they've changed their story in some very substantial ways.

What's sad is that I could actually understand why they've changed things around. I distinctly remember times when I've wanted to pretend that I wasn't (at least partially) to blame for things. Times when I just wanted someone to tell me that things are ok and that I'm a good person. Unfortunately I can't function in a friendship when the other person won't acknowledge what they're doing. If they're so wrapped up in their alternate reality that conversations, thoughts, ideas we've shared in the past become so malleable that I can't recognize them, then I can't maintain a connection to them. No matter how much I might wish it was different.

Now I'm forced to consider truth and the nature of friendship. Knowing full well that I haven't been the best of friends to a lot of people who are very important to me. Knowing that I'm still not over whatever it is that's been bothering me. Knowing that I need to look to myself for a lot of the answers I'm seeking. That's why I've been quiet for so long and why I haven't reached out to people as much as I want to. Some of the rough spots I can pinpoint and understand, but some of them are harder to track down or identify. I'm going to try and write more and reconnect with my friends (whether I've known them for half my life, or just a few months) and with myself. I just wanted to take a moment and thank all of you. Through all my pondering and confusion it's been good to be able to take peaks at your lives and know that the world is still moving along and that there are still good, cool people in it.
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