April 26th, 2009


"I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay"

The last week has been hell and I know that's going to be the norm for quite some time. I have never loved anyone as much as I loved her and I've never felt so betrayed and so hurt by someone that I loved.

You just don't do that to someone you love, so what does that tell me about how she really felt about me?

That's the question I wrestle with every single day. Despite the fact that my heart is still in pieces and I miss her every second of the day I don't know that it'll ever be possible to forgive her for what she did. How can I forgive her for offering me a dream of our future together and then snatching it back and throwing it away? How can I forgive her for promising me that she would be with me forever and waiting until the very last minute to throw me away even as she told me she loved me? How is that love? How can you say you love someone and do that to them? How can I forgive her for destroying my heart?

The really pathetic thing is that I do want to forgive her, but it's going to be a very long time before I can and there's a very real chance that it may never happen. I want so badly to hear her voice and yet I know that I may never hear it again. I'll never hear her tell me that she loves me. I'll never get to hold her again as we sleep.

It's going to be a very very long time before I am ok and even though it is all her fault... I still love her.
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