?

Log in

No account? Create an account
crow

Truth & friendship...

The past few months have been strange. Sometimes difficult, sometimes great. Sometimes indescribable. I've lost some friends along the way and rediscovered a few as well.

Today, someone who was once becoming a very good friend officially defriended me ("Oh noes! LJ Drama!") because I wouldn't... because I couldn't tell them that their lies were ok. I don't think I've ever been forced into this situation before. One were it's not a question of hearsay or rumors and gossip and standing by a friend, one where the friend in question has changed history to suit their purposes and I know that they've done it without question. I've gone back to past conversations (ah the joys of logs) and seen very clearly that they've changed their story in some very substantial ways.

What's sad is that I could actually understand why they've changed things around. I distinctly remember times when I've wanted to pretend that I wasn't (at least partially) to blame for things. Times when I just wanted someone to tell me that things are ok and that I'm a good person. Unfortunately I can't function in a friendship when the other person won't acknowledge what they're doing. If they're so wrapped up in their alternate reality that conversations, thoughts, ideas we've shared in the past become so malleable that I can't recognize them, then I can't maintain a connection to them. No matter how much I might wish it was different.

Now I'm forced to consider truth and the nature of friendship. Knowing full well that I haven't been the best of friends to a lot of people who are very important to me. Knowing that I'm still not over whatever it is that's been bothering me. Knowing that I need to look to myself for a lot of the answers I'm seeking. That's why I've been quiet for so long and why I haven't reached out to people as much as I want to. Some of the rough spots I can pinpoint and understand, but some of them are harder to track down or identify. I'm going to try and write more and reconnect with my friends (whether I've known them for half my life, or just a few months) and with myself. I just wanted to take a moment and thank all of you. Through all my pondering and confusion it's been good to be able to take peaks at your lives and know that the world is still moving along and that there are still good, cool people in it.

Comments

Thanks!

It's good to know folks understand. I especially value that from you (as one of the more level-headed and clueful people I know ;)
I am hoping that things are still very good between you and the girl. ;-)

There has been something going around, I was in a bit of a snit for a while there myself, as were many of my real life friends and LJ friends. I think it must be cosmic interference or planetary alignment, or something uncontrollable. It seems it's made it's presence well known.

Whatever it is that you've been working your way through, I hope you are feeling better soon. Take care of you.
Things are ok with the girl. We've had some ups and downs and sideways times, but we're still doing good.

I've actually been spending a lot of trying to sort things out in my head and I'm still not making too much progress. Heh who knew getting older would be this hard? ;)

Thanks for the comments though, I hope you're doing ok!
I had a friend who re-wrote history, not to try and avoid responsibility or blame, but to try and make herself look more "cool." Though a lot of my friends are still friends with her, they had not met her until after she went through that transition. I no longer consider her a friend. She's just... someone I know and can talk with if I'm dead bored.

There are parts of me that hate her guts and want her to suffer and twist in pain, but there are parts of me that know that anything she deserves will come her way. That I need not be a part of, or even see, what's coming. That I should just concern myself with trying to make my life better, and leave her to her own. Hell, I think I'd even help her, if she truly needed it, because for all her faults and for all the lies she's told me, she's still a person, and we're all fallable.
I read your post and really took it to heart. I was going to reply right away but I found myself pondering the situation and thinking about things like forgiveness and understanding motives etc...

I came to the conclusion that a huge part of the problem is the fact that a lot of this person's lies directly relate to their former relationship (a marriage) to another friend. While I can't be sure of who did what to whom, I can't ignore the fact that one person's version of the "truth" has consistently been skewing farther and farther away from what I know (by way of being there) to be true. Even more troubling is the fact that the ex-friend is making allegations about possible criminal proceedings against their ex (and my current friend) which puts me in a moral dilema of not wanting to butt into and interfere with other peoples' business but not being able to stand idly by and ignore possible harm to someone (especially not a friend).

For the time being I've done what I can for the current friend and I'm choosing not to join in the chorus of "oh poor baby, what your ex did is horrible" comments that the ex-friend seems to constantly be fishing for. Their propensity for rewriting history has left me in a position where I can't trust what they say and I'm unwilling to join in the pity party for someone who I suspect was the most to blame for the spectacular failure of their relationship.

Thanks again for your words though, they helped me do a lot of thinking about this and find my own resolution for the situation (well as much of a resolution as possible for now).
Sheesh. That's far worse than just changing the number of people you've slept with (there was other crap that only I had to deal with, but that was the part everyone who knew her was told). I'm glad my words were helpful, even if they didn't directly relate, and I hope you can continue to find the right solutions as time goes on.
Boy have I been there. And what sickens me the most is when others believe the person's lies simply because it's human nature to want to help someone. I've been defriended and I've even seen myself being accused of being a bad friend, but honestly, it doesn't bother me. I don't want people like that in my life anyway. It definitely does suck, though, to turn around one day and be one or two friends short. I do have to admit though, that my online life has been much nicer since I've put them in my "ignore" file!

I know we only know each other through here, but you have always been very cool and very honest with me, and I appreciate that. I like your no-nonsense style, even if you think it may bother others. If you're gone for a while, I just figure your life has more important things going on, and that's completely normal. I'd rather see someone abandon a blog but know their real life is going great!

Don't be a stranger...
Thanks!

Since you know the details about that whole mess it really helps to know that I'm not the only person who stopped and kind of went "Wait, what the fuuuuu?" when the shit went down.

I think the fishing for pity was what most turned me off to our mutual ex-friend's situation. I can understand telling a story so that they don't come out looking like assholes, but a lot of the lies I caught were significant but inconsequential. They weren't things that could be chalked up to a bad memory, but they did so little to "help" the story. It became obvious that a lot of what they were saying was very carefully thought out to elicit the maximum sympathy and *hugs* type responses (which only serves to make them seem particularly calculating and manipulative).

I realy appreciate everything you said. I've always thought you were a great person and I'm very glad I can consider you a friend. I actually find it amusing that several of the people I'm friends with now I met through the ex-friend and we've all been cut loose by them once we didn't go along with their version of history. I'll consider it a cool bit of irony if their BS ends up making us better friends in the long run :)
*hug*

I'll give you a call over the weekend to catch up.
*hugs*

Thanks for listening to me whine over the years (and especially lately).

I've certainly done my share; you're just catching up.
Xp
*waves* hi!
Hey Carole!

I owe you a huge apology for being mia the last couple of months. Just been dealing with too much stuff in my head and too little $$ in the bank (never a particularly fun combination).

I'll explain more soon, but in the meantime I'm so so so so sorry I couldn't make it to the big day. I'll make it up to you guys one of these days.
hiya v--
no worries, and definitely don't worry about "making it up" to us. take care of yourself first and everything else will fall into place. we're doing just fine and look forward to hanging out IRL at some other point in the future ;)
Lol, thanks much, you're definitely someone I'm proud to call a friend, after all,

"Friends help you move, but real friends help you move bodies"

(and in your case probably help make them into more manageable pieces ;)